February 27, 2012
Part 2 – Piercing the Romantic Illusion
Like many people, I had my most powerful experience of romantic love during my adolescence. I was sixteen years old, and living in Rome at the time. I met a young Italian woman two years my senior and soon fell head over heels into the overwhelming ecstasy and unbearable longing of the romantic experience in all its glory. It was early June, and after only a few weeks together we went off to Greece where we spent ten days sleeping under the stars on a beach in Crete. After that, we met again in London, where my parents were living. We simply couldn’t bear to be apart! I had never felt that way about anyone and like most young lovers was under the erroneous impression that no one else could possibly understand the intoxicating intimacy we were sharing. Alas, I had to return to America to begin college and she needed to stay in Rome to continue her own studies. Being apart was torturous and the joy of our reunions over the next year strengthened my conviction that we were meant to be together for eternity. On an emotional level, I had never been more sure of anything in my life. And yet, as so often happens, it proved too difficult for our passionate love to triumph over practical realities. I was devastated. I was so convinced of the eternal nature of our bond that six years later I returned to see her and within minutes we fell madly in love all over again! But in spite of this and even a plan to wed, ultimately it didn’t work out and we ended up going our separate ways.
That was thirty years ago. Since then, I’ve become a spiritual teacher, and have been married for the past twenty-five years. My Italian love and I have met several times over the years, when I have travelled to teach in Rome or Paris or Florence. What has been interesting to me about these encounters is that while the affection and empathy were instantly present, the powerful intensity of our prior intimacy was nowhere to be found. In fact, we were now like distant relatives or old friends who have become strangers—strangers who long ago shared one of the most powerful experiences a human being can have. Where had it all gone? If romantic ecstasy is what it appears to be, why does it, in almost every case, turn out to be transient, impermanent, and ephemeral?
When I was twenty-eight years old, I went on a spiritual pilgrimage to India, seeking for enlightenment. Because I was meditating intensely every day, I was acutely aware of the fluctuations of my own inner experience. On my travels, I went to the hill town of Darjeeling to visit a Tibetan Lama. Shortly after arriving, I went for a walk to see what this famous mini-metropolis on the side of a mountain was like. As I was wandering through the dusty streets, my gaze soon fell upon the face of a ravishingly beautiful young Indian woman and I fell in love with her instantly. As a matter of fact, I was so in love with her that I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Helplessly captivated by her feminine allure, I was convinced that I needed to introduce myself, ask her what her name was, and get to know her. As ridiculous as this sounds, it seemed in those moments of extreme attraction that my life and future depended on it.
After following her at a distance for a few blocks, the most amazing thing happened. I suddenly saw yet another ravishingly beautiful woman, but this time she was even more outrageously compelling than the woman I’d been in love with only moments before. The cadence of her gait, the perfection of her figure were so entrancing that now I really knew without doubt that she was the woman of my dreams. I also followed her for a few blocks, desperately thinking of how I could catch her attention—how I would start a conversation with this mysterious Goddess from Darjeeling. But then, as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared down a narrow lane. Devastated, I was again alone with my own mind and emotions. I stood still for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. The absurdity of this drama was not lost on my developing meditative awareness. What in God’s name was going on here? I really had been completely compelled by the first Goddess. But then when I saw the second, the first one disappeared almost completely from my attention and with it the conviction that we had to be together. Now it had shifted to another. How could I have become so madly and completely infatuated with two different women in a period of ten or fifteen minutes? It soon became obvious to me that what I was experiencing with such intensity had more to do with my own romantic and sexual compulsion, fueled my own youthful imagination, and less to do with the objects of my affection, as genuinely attractive as they may have been. What was making me laugh was how utterly convinced I had been of the truth of what I had been experiencing only a few moments before. I really had been convinced . . . until I wasn’t anymore.
Sound familiar? I call this drama “the promise of perfection.” This is the powerful and at-times-overwhelming illusion that perfect happiness, perfect contentment, perfect fulfillment, and perfect completion lie somewhere beyond the boundaries of our own selves—more often than not, in the arms of the perfect other. It’s a promise that is perpetuated constantly by the culture all around us. And evolutionary biologists tell us that we have been chemically wired to have these kinds of experiences in order to ensure the propagation of our species. I know that the ecstasy of romantic love is an important and positive life experience for many, as it was for me. But I wonder, is it possible for any of us to know what love truly is, unless we are finally able to see through this powerful illusion?
I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world, because I did eventually find what I was looking for: a glimpse of true spiritual happiness, contentment, fulfillment, and completion beyond the small world of the psychological and biological self. This has helped me enormously (though it’s not always easy!) to see through some of the compelling illusions that repeatedly and often painfully ensnare our hearts and minds, for years, decades, and even lifetimes. To be honest, I think that many thoughtful, sensitive people are mature enough to have pierced the romantic illusion and seen through its promise of perfection for themselves. The question is, are we spiritually mature enough yet to accept the implications of what we have already seen?
This article was originally posted on BigThink.com and is the first in a 4-part series on love. Click here to see the other articles.
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Andrew Cohen is a spiritual teacher, cultural visionary, founder of EnlightenNext, and the author of 
‘Romantic illusion’, how did you finally pierce it…when you say that you eventually went beyond the small world of psychological and biological self, do you mean that you are now beyond falling in (romantic) love or have lost the desire to have sex…if yes, how did you do it?
Thank you for the sharing, Andrew, and, yes, “romantic illusion” seems the apt expression. Young people need to sow our wild oats until romance can be seen for what it is. Then, the individual can begin to search for a partner[s] who shares a spiritual perspective/commitment as well as a physical attraction. The attraction becomes a part of the relationship instead of all-important.
Your Quote of the Week also captures Love, the transpersonal, unconditional relationship we have heretofor ascribed to God, and ultimately want to come to terms with as our own capacity. You are a true spirit, Andrew. So grateful to have your voice in the world! Love, Alexis
I have gone to three of your lectures and find you
are so clear and to the point .i have read your
Books amd always come away with a need to know more
Lorraine
Your question dear Andrew makes me think of a way to a spiritual and evolutionary romantic love where both Selves have pierced through the “romantic illusion” and have come to accept the implications of what they have seen, or the impermanence of it. How do you imagine an evolutionary romantic love, what would be its characteristics besides Trust? Thank you for your authentic sharing. Namaste.
Indeed, Andrew, Eros is a vicarious and fickle lover when identified with in all the ways you illuminate!…
The She or He we seek outside of ourselves, when seen through, not only as a “romantic illusion” and “promise of perfection” but even deeper, as the Image Spirit has placed within us, becomes the potential of Divine Fulfillment, and the actualization of Perfection when we follow that inner Image to its Absolute Source, but…
while I agree that many “thoughtful and sensitive people are mature enough”, as culture goes thru the messy process of of re-inventing and re-translating that illusion, I think the “implications” and very real challenges of that process have found some extreme expressions in “alternative lifestyles” of every kind. The hyper-individualistic, self-centered, post-modern “piercing of the romantic illusion” has become, “my sexual expression and pleasure are so important”, that relationship is being entered on the premise and agreement that “open” needs to be its foundation. Swinging, polyamory, bisexuality, which by implication means “open”, has already become the re-invention of “piercing the romantic illusion” through its expression of “sex with anyone, anytime.” To this person, “romance” is available anywhere with anyone. Their commitment is to themselves; the seeking energy of Eros is being translated as “my sexuality is profound and meaningful” and this person considers him or herself “evolved” because they’ve seen thru the “romantic illusion”, and they often hold monogamous, committed relationship to be a stifling, worn-out cage or trap.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but let’s hope this movement within culture can eventually see through its own “illusion” and create a form that contributes less to the shallows and more to the depths.
Good Journey to All
Similarly, the whole ‘enlightenment’ trip whether in the guise of new ageism, new age christianity, the pursuant of the transpersonal, God or whatever else one wants to call it is an obsession with the romantic – a romanticism that is ultimately unobtainable since it itself is an illusion. This is the ultimate form of romanticism and one that forms the basis of cults whether malevalent or benevalent and usually manifests as a form of group romanticism. This is ultimately symbolised with the notion God Is Love. This seeking of the perfect outside of ourselves is really a running away from ourselves, a seeking of a romantic perfection and provides the ultimate ‘promise of perfection’.
Sorry, Rohan, but your comment just doesn’t hold up under the scrutiny of the “validity” test, that is;
You can’t proclaim wisdom about something that you have not directly experienced for yourself, and;
To proclaim “wisdom” from your lack of wisdom, then deny others wisdom, is hypocrisy, and well, a generally confused perspective…not wise at all, and;
Simply because you have not directly experienced INTERIOR ARCHETYPAL DEITIES or the GROUND OF BEING, doesn’t mean others haven’t, and again, to deny others their direct experience only speaks of your lack of wisdom and a blind hypocrisy to the validity of others experiential knowledge.
Rohan, don’t be afraid of won’t you don’t know; be very afraid that what you think you know are mere assumptions and are the very “things” that limit your perception and direct knowledge.
And if you don’t CARE about that, then state yourself plainly and say that you don’t care about discovering your higher potentials, that indeed, you agree to stay limited to a partial form, and nothing more is important to you.
But, it’s disingenuous to verbally deny others their impulse to “INWARDLY SEEK” with the guidance of a qualified teacher/mentor, and since I know you have a “heterarchical” philosophy, or “everything is valid” perspective, again, hypocritical to say the least.
Try again…
YOU ARE SPIRIT AND SPIRIT IS LOVE…
directly experience that and then make proclamations about it, but until then, you’re only speaking from “ignorance,” talking out the side of your face, unreliable, prejudice, untrusting and untrustworthy, lacking humility, arrogant, etc., etc…
Spirit Sees where you are
Ahimsa
I’m sorry Nada but I am not convinced by your romanticism of the Spirit. I have had plenty of so-called higher potential experiences but I am afraid none of them point to this elusive and romanticized idea of Spirit or God or what ever name you wish to use. These are just labels you have ascribed to certain experiences you and others have had to simply romantize yourself and others.
It is not even clear what experiences you are even refering to except to guage in a vague sort of way that you have had the same romantized experience as some other. Ground of Being is here and now, nothing more and nothing less. Higher potential are different states of mind including the use of the imagination. There is nothing mysterious or enlightened about that. It is only the vagueness of what you are refering to and the romantized terms you use to describe this mystical states that enables you to be so romantic about it. In truth there is no seeking and there is no finding, it simply just being aware of what is the here and now and the varying states of consciousness that we can occupy. These expereinces are within us all all the time but you try to make out that we have to be master this or master that in order to experience them. The fact is we would not be human without them so why are you so adamant about romantizing what we simply are. The same applies to the evoutionary impulse. Again another romantized term to describe the fact that we are always changing. What is so mysteious and elusive about that. Nothing other than the romantized way you and others refer to it. At the end of the day, people like you like to romantize about these things simply to draw people in to yourself so you can call yourself a teacher and feel legitimised to judge others who dare to burst your romantized bubble.
Dear Rohan, I’ve actually never suffered with a romantic ideal about anything, not with development of all kinds or with my interpersonal relationships. The word “romantic” has always held a delusional quality for me, so no, you are wrong about my “romanticizing” Spirit. But as someone who had a mystical impulse already evolved within and as my soul, words like awe, humility, existential tension, death, re-birth, transcendence, transmutation, transformation, suffering, simplicity and complexity, union, God and Goddess, Causal Formlessness, Nonduality (and yes, I could go on); these words have great and profound meaning, but “romantic”?…forget about it!
I’m not here to forward a romantic ideal as you so easily proclaim, and I think I can speak for Andrew Cohen and say neither is he. I can readily say of myself that I’m probably one of the fiercest realists you’ll ever “bump up” against in this great big crazy party called Life. Generally, I make no romantic statements about the effort that is required to develop into the truly “spiritual” dimensions. And that brings me to your latest comment…
Since gross, psychic, subtle, causal and nondual states are available to anyone, young or old, healthy or infirm, whether a thief or a saint, and since the average-mode for the majority of people on this beautiful planet is gross-reflecting awareness or ego-rational mind, then literally anyone at any time can have a PEAK EXPERIENCE of the psychic, subtle, causal or nondual. You are correct; these are STATES of your own consciousness, available to you right now!
But to turn these “state experiences” into stable levels of awareness, one must first differentiate, transcend and include the level they are at, meaning for you, the ego-rational mind, and again, no easy task, since identity here is a continuous, habitual contraction away from the higher levels. Peak experiences are available, but until they are made PERMANENT TRAITS OF AWARENESS, they remain only experiences, and frankly speaking, state experiences, as you have well demonstrated by your own language, do not necessarily show development.
The gross-reflecting, ego-rational mind, dies a hard death, and that is just a fact proven by all who’ve made it beyond. And I’m sorry Rohan, but you’re not qualified to make absolute statements negating or invalidating the direct experiences, transformation and integration that so many others have already accomplished.
Why don’t you humble yourself and be happy that, if you’ve had peak experiences, they at the very least have shown you that there is more to do, that there are stable patterns available to you if you take up an earnest practice…then you won’t be so tempted to speak the way you do, attempting to invalidate and denigrate others yearning and development. Honestly, it’s disturbing and echoes the current post-modern challenge. Try resisting the temptation to reduce everything you involve yourself in so that it fits into only your current worldview. Post-modern “perception” is post-modern narcissism; that somehow “your perception” is the only valid perception and everyone who doesn’t fit into it, is crazy.
“Flatland”, with no depth or height, is no-land at all…but a barren desert with no water in sight. Try not to sound like such a bitter, jaded lover; redemption and relief are always in this moment.
Ahimsa
L. Nada
Thank you Andrew for a wonderfully transparent account of your experience in Darjeeling, I felt as is I was there with you in the streets watching your crazy 15 minutes and then the laughter from your realisations. How true that we are not going to experience this idea of big universal love and self love until we stop seeking it the other.
I would like very much to get you on the Sofa for a transparent conversation on love and evolution, two topics I know you love exploring. I have spoken to Dave Pendle lets see what evolves.
Of course you wax lyrical ken and have now taken it digital which is great but do consider sitting with me sometime as I feel it would benefit my viewers and I would enjoy it very much.
This is a time when dialogues are needed as we are reshaping the blank canvas of reality and authentic transparent conversations I feel are the catalyst for creating new ways of connecting and collaborating through conscious awareness.
Big love to you
Simon – on the Sofa